Thirty. Such a milestone birthday and yet I didn’t actually realize until it was pointed out to me.
I had a bit of a difficult time turning 30, although I can’t tell if it’s due to what is going on with my education, that the month of December was way too busy or quite simply because I have entered another decade. Most likely a combination.
I have taken solace in the fact that I have never been one of those people who put a timeline on my life. I never said I wanted to be married by 25, be done with kids by 30 and have a high paying career by 35. For that I am thankful. Although now, I must admit, I have found myself with such a list created in my head for the next five years. Part I know has to do with biology but the other has to do with me just feeling old.
Aside from the obvious I have found myself wondering why turning 30 was harder for me. I know that turning another year older affects people differently. Typically it’s never really bothered me before but going into your twenties brings the ability to legally drink and rent a car – so instead of feeling old you begin to feel like an adult. After that there’s not much to look forward to except for increased health risks, mammograms, hot flashes and AARP…or so I hear. And even though I have never been one to give myself a timeline I guess I always assumed I’d have my shit together by the time I was thirty. Instead I’m working two days a week and retaking classes because apparently I am incapable of passing them the first time around.
This is now the third time I have failed a class. I’ve fallen into this terrible pattern of taking a class, failing it and then retaking it. I don’t know if that shows perseverance or insanity but regardless it definitely grates on you. When you try so hard, study so long and sacrifice so much and you still fall short – it just makes you feel like a damn failure.
My pride has taken a beating and for the first time since I went back to school I have begun to doubt myself and question if the path I’m on is the one I want to take. I fear that if it is this difficult for me to get through these classes now then what will it be like once I get into nursing school? Will I flunk out? At this point will I even be accepted into a nursing program? So many questions I would have never allowed myself to ask before and yet here I am. My confidence is shattered and my ability to spin positivity into any situation is gone. The thought of this new year brings me nothing but fear instead of hope and that ‘let’s kick some ass’ attitude I usually have. Without that I have nothing.
I know other people believe in me but without the ability to believe in myself I feel hopeless. Kind words and encouragement seem to mean nothing to me anymore. I guess I’m no longer naive enough to believe them. Instead I’m looking at the world with jade colored glasses.
I don’t mean to be such a downer but I needed to write out my thoughts. In no way does this mean I am quitting school – it just means that this journey is looking to be even more difficult than I imagined.
Here’s to 2017 – whatever it may bring.