On a Tuesday, in June 2020, I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for about six months. After being on the pill for 19 years I expected it to take a helluva lot longer so I just stood there in my kitchen in shock, tears stinging my eyes as I showed the positive test to Matt.
Neither of us knew how to react so I did the only thing I could think of and drove to the store for another test.
The next week was a blur. Three days after the home pregnancy tests we saw the doctor who confirmed I was pregnant. That weekend we told our parents. According to the app on my phone (because there’s an app for everything) the baby was the size of a peppercorn.
But in the early hours that Monday morning I woke up to use the bathroom and saw blood.
By the next day it was confirmed I had miscarried.
One week. I found out I was pregnant and lost the baby all in one week but the physical and emotional pain I felt was something I would never wish on anyone. I sat on the floor of my shower and sobbed harder and louder than I can ever remember. The baby we had already fallen in love with, our baby Peppercorn, was gone.
Even before we got married I had people telling me to get pregnant already. The thing that baffles me is why anyone would ever think they have the right to say something so insensitive. Maybe we decided we wouldn’t have kids – which to be honest is something I thought about telling people to get them off my back. Maybe we’d been trying for years and it wasn’t happening. Maybe I was barren.
Or maybe I had gotten pregnant and lost it.
And why is it that nobody seems to ask the man? At least, nobody’s ever asked Matt such insensitive questions.
My point is you have absolutely no idea what someone is going through. Constantly asking about someone’s pregnancy status is just downright rude and the words “hurry up and get pregnant already” are super frustrating when that’s what you’ve been trying to do. What are we supposed to say to that?
After I miscarried I watched people I knew on Facebook announce their pregnancies. Due the same month I was supposed to be due. I went to a baby shower not realizing just how hard that would be. I put too much pressure on myself each month to try and get pregnant. One month when I thought for sure I’d gotten pregnant, only for Aunt Flo to show up, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It was then I decided to try to get out of my head and let it go. It’s not easy and it doesn’t always work. But just remember, that woman who you’re telling to “hurry up and get pregnant”, is going through her own shit, has her own personal demons, and doesn’t need your unsolicited advice or demands. She’s already hard enough on herself.
Stay kind, Seattle.